Management Lessons

Lesson 1
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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Top 10 Signs That You're Dating A Tester

10. Your love letters get returned to you marked up with
red ink, highlighting your grammar and spelling mistakes.
9. When you complain about him spending too much time with
you, he replies that he's in the middle of a soak test.
8. He keeps asking for a "spec" so he'll know how his
"harness" should "interface" with you.
7. He'll always do something wrong twice so he can provide
accurate repro steps.
6. When you tell him that you won't change something,
he'll offer to allow you two other flaws in exchange for
changing this one.
5. When you ask him how you look in an outfit, he'll
actually tell you.
4. When you give him the "It's not you, it's me" breakup
line, he'll agree with you and give specifics.
3. He won't help change a burned out lightbulb because his
job is simply to report that it's burned out.
2. He'll keep bringing up old problems that you've since
worked out just to make sure that they're still gone.

...and the number one way to tell you're dating a
tester...

1. In the bedroom, he keeps "probing" the incorrect
"input."

Satan and Bill Gates

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

Blonde Witness

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

Project Managers

If you get in my way, I'll kill you!

- ideal project manager


If you get in my way, you'll kill me!

- somewhat less than ideal project manager


If I get in my way, I'll kill you!

- somewhat misguided project manager


If I get in your way, I'll kill you!

- A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)


If get kill in will way I you.

- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project

manager


I am the way! Kill me if you can!

- messianic project manager


Get away, I'll kill us all!

- suicidal project manager


If you kill me, I'll get in your way.

- thoughtful but ineffective project manager


If I kill you, I'll get in your way.

- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious


If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.

- project manager from New York


I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so

no one will get killed.

- project manager who is about to get in big trouble


If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?

- weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager


If I kill me, you'll get your way.

- pragmatic project manager


Kill me, it's the only way.

- every project manager to date.